Ode to Holiday...Joy? I Wonder.

The Wine: Christmas Bubbly (Ruffino Prosecco)

The Winery: LaWest Liquor Market (open 24/7, 365 days/year)

The W(H)ine: Ode to Holiday Joy, I Wonder (What do we believe?)

Oh, Christmas Tree. Oh, Christmas Tree. Thou art so small and sparing…

On this sacred day for those who worship King Jesus, I sit alone in front of my tiny Charlie-Brown-ish artificial tree bedecked with a few red lights and fewer ornaments.

One hanging at the top says simply, “Believe.”

I wonder what we are to believe this holiday, as pandemic rages, (still).

For some (me) sadness lingers, (still).

One year and two months after moving out (to live alone), to start over (for the umpteenth time), to transform (as if that’s something we are magically in charge of commanding upon our own beings), and to sit with myself, (a lot). So much so that the Covid-19 affected my body not via infection, but via inflection (not the change-in-voice kind, but the change-of-curvature kind).

In a body I barely recognize, though the mirror frightens less than ever, I am questioning many long-held beliefs this holiday season.

How about you? What angst and awareness did 2021 bring your way?

Last night I dreamed of high school days (and people).

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my dreams, every memory made me restless, and I woke in full sweat.

This morning, two days after returning home from annual Ohio reunions, and to shut down the night full of thirty-year-old memories, I returned to jogging. Take that, Covid-19 (or is it 25?)

Halfway home, completely alone on the road (apparently 7 am on Christmas Day is no time for Claremont residents to exercise outside), the words bubbled up inside me. A eulogy, for my Dad. WTH?

I visited Ohio for only seven days, and now my psyche processes my history asleep AND awake? Oh, effing Christmas Tree…

I do believe the year brought a plethora of opportunity for reflection (albeit through above-mentioned inflection) that continues this quiet Christmas Day.

I no longer believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I call bullshit on that one. I know the one thing I do NOT need, for Christmas, or any other day, is more strength. I need more kindness. I need more acceptance. I need more safety.

I. Need. Love.

I. Need. Wonder.

I needed the trip to Ohio to reconnect after a year of sorrow, surrender, and sacrifice, to see how the so-called-transformation felt when reengaging with people and places that used to trigger, and try.

I needed Adele to release her single, “Go Easy On Me,” and identify with another magical momma who wobbled wonkily out of a marriage while wondering what wounds said decision would wield on her unwitting children, and then live with the painful consequences.

I needed a year without gainful employment (despite 80+ job applications, 6+ interviews, and the same amount of “you’re overqualified” conversations) to realize I am meant for something else, which I knew in my belly, but never, ever, ever, in my big-girl-lived-experience-like-I-do-now.

I needed time without people-pleasing, household-managing, partner-honoring commitment, to wonder about, well, me. Beliefs.

In this season of tiptoeing around others beliefs while we are rarely comfortable with our own, I wonder if I can submit One Thing.

Just One.

What if the Wonder IS the belief?

What if the wandering Into the Mystery (credit: Needtobreathe) IS enough?

What if the magic in every moment comes from NOT KNOWING who we are, or why we are here, or what the hell we must do next???????

What if????

What if we BELIEVED that knowing less means wondering more? That awareness and angst serve to compel us into a perpetual place and space of wondering, and NOT knowing.

What if knowing stands in perfect opposition to Truth, Belief, Wonder and all things Ode To Joy.